My Side of the Cancer Story

I thought about blogging about this amazing soup I made tonight....or about our Thanksgiving plans next week, but I just couldn't. Something has been on my mind for quite a while and I just feel compelled to blog about it...for some reason. Maybe there is someone out there who might be helped or comforted after they read this. I don't know, but here it goes. Lately, I have read so many stories of people with cancer, or about people who were loved ones of people with cancer. Either way I can say it sucks. I have been both, unfortunately. It saddens me to say aside from myself, I don't know anyone who has survived the terrible disease. Over the last few months I have watched people say their goodbyes to their loved ones, and write their wills, and even give away their belongings. I have witnessed first hand what cancer can do to someone. As many of you know, in June of last year I was diagnosed with malignant Melanoma, stage T1b. I was one of those lucky ones, it was caught early and I only had to have surgery to remove it all. I didn't have to have any chemo or radiation. Thank God. Little did I know that would only be the beginning of my experience with the beast. Melanoma  has left a scar on my arm, and an even bigger one on my heart. Let me explain, after being diagnosed I had to have a pet scan to make sure the Melanoma hadn't spread anywhere else.The one in July came back normal. Well I didn't feel quite right so I went back to my oncologist. We did another pet scan on New Year's Eve 2012. Great way to spend the holiday. It showed a small spot of something around my spine, still a mystery to this day. However. let me explain what cancer has done to me. Each and every time I have a sickness or an ache for a long period of time I wonder if it's back? Maybe they didn't see it the first time? I worry until I finally go to the doctor and they reassure me I am ok. It changes your life, and the way you think about every situation. I could not imagine what it would be like to have to tell your kids or loved ones goodbye. I don't know if I could do it. I was told there is a 60% chance of Melanoma coming back, and it wasn't if it comes back, but when it comes back. That scares the hell out of me. My primary care doctor told me to try not to let being diagnosed define me or consume me....but what I want to know is how does it not? This is something that is life changing, not only for me, but for my loved ones. I see life so differently now. I was one of those people who spent their days either living in the past or future, rarely the present. Now it's day to day, and one day at a time. Which is how it should have been all along. My husband mentioned me opening a small bakery/cafe, and I told him I wouldn't even think about it until I had been healthy for one year. Well that hasn't happened yet, maybe 2014 will be the year. Fingers crossed. There are some days I wake up and do the whole self pity thing, poor me I had cancer...poor me my father has Alzheimer's...poor me my mom possibly has Chronic Leukemia...and then I realize I am here, I am alive. I survived and there are people out there who have so much more to deal with than I do. People with terminal illnesses who have had to say those goodbyes, people who have already lost loved ones to cancer, people with no family to say goodbye to. With that being said, today is another day and I can say I lived it. Sadly, I know that most of you have a story about cancer, whether it be about you or someone you know, whether it be about someone who survived or someone who lost their battle with this awful disease, if you have a story to tell and want to share it with me you may comment or send me an email to sarakayln83@gmail.com. I am working on a project , which I will be blogging about later on next month. I hope this project inspires and helps those who have been impacted by cancer. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog.